Thursday, 28 July 2011
To set the scene, I live in a converted Victorian house. My flat is perfectly fine and perfectly located for our needs, so no complaints. On a different floor of the same house is another family with 2 children. It didn't take us long to become friends and to make use of this friendship. We bought a baby monitor set and swapped keys. They go out together as a couple maybe once a week, while I go out twice a week. Our children have grown up with this system, but recently my mum has started asking if my child is ok with me going out and admittedly, sometimes she does say, "mummy, I don't want you to go out tonight."
But what do I do? If I stayed in, would that then send the message that she can decide when I go out? Or should I stay in to be a 'better' mother? Would this be considered neglect even though my neighbours are listening for her? Is it any different from hiring a babysitter? My child loves this family and we are both saving money. Or does it have nothing to do with my going out but more to do with her father leaving? Is it the idea of being left?
There are fundamental difficulties in being a single mum and this is once such dilemma.
Does anything have to give? Or do I continue on as before?
It is something that I need to ruminate on and float about in my mind.
Sunday, 24 July 2011
There seem to be quite a few moments recently where I'm finding that I'm struggling with my mother.
I am the sibling that lives the closest to her but also I've assumed, more or less, that I will take on the role of local carer. I have a young child and I'm embarking on a new career, so I could never be the full time care for her, but I will certainly be the 'go to' person.
This is not happening yet or indeed in the foreseeable future, as my mother is very healthy and doing well.
But I am getting glimpses of something that I hadn't seen before.
She seems to be more vulnerable and also takes offense more quickly then in past years.
She assumes that when I'm upset about something and I'm showing it in my face, that it has something to do with her or she has done something or that I don't want her here with me.
And this is what she did tonight.
After a long story time, my daughter finally cleaned her teeth and climbed into bed. Lots of kisses and hugs from me and her grandma, and her door was closed and I could finish off my chores. I had a wash to get on, so I whizzed around picking up bits of dirty clothing and threw them in the machine. Mum said something, and I simply replied that I needed to get the wash on before it got too late.
Next thing I know, mum is picking up her bag and leaving. There is no kiss goodnight, just a good bye.
What do I do? Should I just let it ride? Was she offended? Do I apologise?
This is really frustrating. It's not easy being a single mum and I really do appreciate all the help she gives me, but I could do without these moody moments or is this simply a by-product of getting older?
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Thursday, 7 July 2011
I am currently finding it difficult to retain a close friendship without feeling squashed.
I have a friend who very recently moved into the area and is now doing a lot of the same things that I am doing and I feel like I am losing my space.
I know it is my own issue and that I need to sort it out, but sometimes, I just want to do my 'fun' stuff on my own. I want to meet the new people and get to know them. I'm a single mum and want to have the opportunity to meet a man, but my friend is in the same boat. She is particularly beautiful and vivacious and I pale in comparison.
I'm not sure how to manage this. I don't want to lose this friendship and I truly enjoy the closeness of it, but I'm struggling with the adjustment of proximity. And if I'm really honest, I'm also struggling with a bit of the 'green eyed monster' and my insecurities.
I think I need to remind myself that we are all unique individuals, each with our own wonderful facets and all different to different people, which in theory is all great, but how do I put it into practice?