Friday, 13 July 2012

Surreal conversation

I was taken out to dinner by an amazing man to an amazing restaurant for my birthday.
But what keeps making me giggle, is remembering our conversation.
He asked me about Fifty Shades of Grey.
And so I told him.......

........not your average chatter over dinner!

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

On reflection

Having indulged in the whim of Fifty Shades, I had an epiphany moment yesterday evening.
My ex-boyfriend appeared at an event I was at.
It took me a while to bring my emotions under control.
I laughingly told him, as I did 6 weeks ago, that as I probably wouldn't see him for another year, that I was going to dance with him.
He told me that when he saw me here, he almost left.
Why did he then stay?

Having danced many dances with him, I came away from it feeling confused again.
He had me dance with my eyes closed.
He told me he was going to show me a different way to do a particular move.
Trusting him implicitly, I closed my eyes.
For me, sadly, this was a heavenly experience.
I am a sub to his dom and I'm not sure how to change that.
I wish he'd never reappeared.
After over a year, I'm shocked that he can still produce so much emotional turmoil in me.

Monday, 2 July 2012

An empty space where once a friend stood....

It seems that I have indeed been dumped, as I had thought back in my post dated 14th April.
The situations is as follows.
The man my friend is seeing happens to be the ex of someone that I know.
All things being equal, both women were going to attend my birthday gather....a very informal event and more about eating good food then anything.  However my friend has decided that she and her family cannot come and that she cannot keep the other arrangement that we made.  This conversation took place by phone and I was left feeling shaken.  I wanted to cry.  It is that feeling of being unwanted and wondering if I've done something wrong.
It hurts me that she cannot and doesn't want to be there.
I have made so many attempts at doing something with her over the last few months but she seems to be always busy or has a mega-long to-do list that needs finishing.
I've been getting scraps of her time.
We have not done any of the things that we talked about doing, days out with the children, meals out, London walks.  Nothing.
I've known her a long time and this saddens me.
I'm happy that she has met someone that makes her happy and that she has her own circle of friends, but sad that she doesn't feel able to make room in her life for me.
I do wonder if we'll find a way back from this.